Last night was great.  I had a really busy day yesterday and didn’t think I had the energy left to dance, particularly as my UC had been a nightmare all day.  From 5pm onwards I could barely do anything but I felt determined to go out and see if my theory that dance is good for it  is true. Well, it is and it was.  At first I felt dubious about dancing incase I suddenly had to leave but after a time I forgot about it and my UC didn’t bother me at all.  I had some great dances last night with all of my favourite dancers and it was just the boost I needed. I love dancing as I can forget who I really am for a couple of hours and forget everything that ails me – it’s very peaceful.

I have taken it a bit easier today. I am really anxious that the UC is flaring up and I know my body is telling me to slow down. I had an Indian Head Massage instead of reflexology yesterday and M said that the knots in my shoulders and neck were massive (I feel very bruised today where she kneaded them out!). I am not surprised as I carry all of my anxiety in my shoulders and I know I have started to feel more stressed.  Today I resolved to listen to my body. I have a tendency to run myself ragged and not stop unless I am made to stop.  My problem is that I really am made to stop, literally in my tracks as eventually my UC spreads to my joints and I flare up with inflammatory arthritis.  I am certain this is because I overload my body when it is busy trying to do its immune system thing and thus it is comes up with the attitude of "if she won’t listen and stop of her own accord then we shall have to stop her completely".  It is awful and I have spent too much time not being able to move about to allow it to happen again so I am going to take all precautionary measures.

For the last three mornings I have struggled to get out of the house on time to take my little one to preschool as I have been stuck in the bathroom.  It is getting increasingly painful and prolonged and the urgency is gradually increasing.  I know it is on its way in again (actually, I guess it is already here), so today I decided to take it much easier.  I have sat down and eaten lunch in front of the TV and caught on some Home and Away episodes .  I then went to bed for an hour.  I didn’t actually sleep, not sure why, but it was nice to just lie still and have a good think about all I have to do and sort it out in my head first rather than buzz around like a mad thing doing 100 things at once.  So, I am going to try and move a bit slower, although I shall it be moving slower on the dance floor or reducing my dancing as I know it not only boosts me physically but also mentally.  One symptom of my UC is depression and I am certain I would be depressed now if I wasn’t dancing.

So, there we have it.  The bane of my life is creeping up on me again, I just hope it’s a little blip again and doesn’t get any worse.  I can handle these little blips I am just terrified of having a repeat performance of last year.  I didn’t realise how scared I am of that until now really.  Before, my illness just went from diagnosis to gradually getting worse and worse and I never really got my life back to such a point where a re-flare hit me too hard as it never really got to remission.  However, now I have had it so good for six months I can’t bare the thought of going back there. Fingers crossed.

I am trying to look into child care options and jobs as I really want to be able to work again however it seems so complicated and fraught with so many what ifs around my UC that I don’t know that I can face it.  I have no idea how I will ever manage getting both children out of the house for 8am, dropping them both off at whatever childcare they have to go to before school (and during for little one) and make it to work whereever that may be for 9am when my UC blights my mornings so badly.  It will probably involve me getting up at 4am or something ridiculous to allow me time to get my UC probs out of the way, deal with the kids and be on time.  However, this means I shall spend my life exhausted and probably induce worse symptoms because of that.  I know people do it but I don’t have to so I am wondering if I should.  I really want to but I want a lot of things I can’t have and maybe this is another one – I guess time will tell.

Anyway, this has been far too long and waffly and I have dinner to prepare – I sound like a Stepford Wife when I say stuff like that.  I am sure my husband is thinking "if only"