Well, the last few days have been a bit up and down, so much so I am not sure where to start but I guess the beginning is a good place.
Last week after getting my job interview result I suddenly felt really down. A natural reaction to rejection but it wasn’t that as I was relieved not to have been offered a job that I would have taken and ended up miserable in. I realised that I felt down as I had nothing to focus on and that I had been feeling depressed for months. The interview and other stuff had stopped me dwelling on how flat inside I felt but now there was nothing tangible to worry about I couldn’t justify this flat, horrid, cloudy feeling inside. I decided that it was time to go to the doctors and ask for anti-depressants again. The doctor refused to give me them a few months ago on the grounds that I was doing everything I could to feel better (eating well, exercising, counselling etc) but all of these things clearly aren’t working. I saw another doctor and I am now on 20mg of Cytalopram. So far so good and no bad reactions although it takes a couple of weeks to have any effect. Previously I have been on Seroxat and Fluoxetine (Prozac) and had horrible reactions to both, they made me feel like I was going mad as my brain wouldn’t calm down. This happened very quickly on both of those drugs so hopefully the fact I am five days in with no reaction is good. I also hope that they do the trick and take this grey cloud away.
Despite being down I had a lovely weekend. Friday night I went to a brilliant dance. It was a dance friends’ birthday so there was a big crowd of us out to celebrate. We had a lovely time and they are all lovely dancers so I had some great dances. I am so little that the guys in the group like to practise aerial moves and drops with me. It’s hilarious, they throw me around all over the place. At one point I was being passed from one to the other to demonstrate stuff to each other. I love doing those kinds of moves and the guys doing are excellent, experienced dancers so I knew I was safe – I wouldn’t let any old bloke throw me around like that, they have to know what they are doing and be safe. As they say ‘you must find a responsible adult’ and ‘don’t try this at home’.
Saturday and Sunday were spent with the family, Sunday being our annual street party. We live on a lovely street of young families. One of our neighbours is in the US Airforce and he is big on ‘get togethers’ so every year he instigates this street party. We hire a bouncy castle for the 20 plus kids and we all put a dish to share on a table and then get our BBQ’s out. It is brilliant. The day is spent drinking and eating and the kids love it just running around and playing on the bouncy castle. It is one of the nicest family days of the year.
Bank Holiday Monday was spent visiting my sister and her newborn daughter who arrived last Thursday. She is beautiful although my sister is knackered having a new born and three boys under 5 to care for! I think she is mental. Two is definitely my limit.
It is now 11 o’clock and I have had a difficult morning. I spoke to my sons new nursery today after a number of cock ups had been made and clarified that he is to start next week and I am to take him in for settling in sessions this week, starting today. I feel sick at the thought of him not settling in although my oldest son went there and absolutely loved it so I am sure W will too. I have also just had to do one of the hardest things ever and give my nanny a months notice. She has been amazing for the last year helping me with the kids through a terrible time with my UC, however, now I am much better and my oldest is starting school I can’t justify the cost of keeping her and nursery is so much cheaper and better for my son in terms of him developing social interaction skills. He doesn’t get much time with other kids his age so two school days a week at nursery should be great for him.
She took it ever so well, so much so I guess she was expecting it. It was me that was pathetically sobbing whilst telling her! I am going dancing to night which will hopefully relieve the massive amounts of tension I now have. The last few weeks have been so stressful I shall be glad when my life settles into its new routine.
With all the changes in childcare I have also decided that I shall study until the right job comes along or until W starts school and I can work fulltime. I don’t want to go to London and nothing local is likely to come up for a while and yet I need to do something with my brain otherwise I’ll go mental. Therefore I am now looking into OU courses and think I have settled on doing a Diploma in Politics. Politics fascinates me (US Politics more than British – strange but true, but I guess I shall learn about this country first!), and I would love to move into charitable campaigning and the likes so I figured that as well as keeping me interested and motivated it may also help my career. I haven’t registered yet so we shall see if I actually do it or not but right now I am up for it and can decide to go on and finish a degree if I want to – an ultimate ambition of mine as it is the one major thing I am lacking.
Anyway, I promise I shall right with more verve next time.
