Jiving on Regardless

{April 29, 2007}   This weekend

I have been neglecting my blog the last few days as I couldn’t be bothered to write.  It seemed too much of a chore and I was in danger of over waffling so figured it was best to leave it.

Friday night was a nice night.  Nice but not great.  I had a lovely meal with my husband and then took him to a freestyle for the first time so that he could finally see me dance.  It wasn’t a very good freestyle as far as I was concerned, primarily because I didn’t enjoy the music which was far too Latin heavy.  I like a bit of a Latin but not as much as there was that night.  However, it served its purpose and it opened my husbands eyes to the world of Modern Jive and he got to finally see what I can do and observe exactly what I have been going on about these last few months.  He actually enjoyed it, or at least he says he did!  He is braving his first lesson tonight.  My Mum is going to babysit whilst we head to my usual Sunday night venue and he learns his first MJ moves.  I am sure he will find it slightly overwhelming at first as for men particularly it is a lot to take, but I am equally sure that he will eventually enjoy it, perhaps not as much as I do but enough.

We had a lovely day yesterday.  My sister had invited us to a local beauty spot for a picnic birthday party for my nephews 1st birthday.  The weather was absolutely gorgeous and we spent the majority of the day soaking up the sun, chatting and playing with the kids.  The kids (seven neices and nephews in total) had a whale of a time and loved every minute of it.

In the afternoon we headed home and unfortunately I had a rough afternoon with my UC.  I am hoping it was just a minor blip perhaps bought on by mild sun stroke.  I am very fair and it doesn’t take much sun to effect me, despite taking the usual precautions such as sun screen, hat etc (I love hats at the moment, seem to be collecting them a bit – another new thing for me – I digress…).

I had a really rough few hours but then it settled.  I don’t mind if it continues on that vein although I would prefer it to disappear altogether.  However, a few hours a day is better than all day.

I am off to a dance workshop for four hours this afternoon and can’t wait.  It should be excellent and I love learning new stuff to play around with.  It is then off for my usual dance night which is always great.

The next couple of weeks shall hopefully be good.  I have a busy week ahead getting ready for going on hols on Saturday and sorting everything to ensure the kids are okay and everything is ready for their grandparents.  Busy is good though, stops me moping which I seem to be doing a bit of lately.

Time to get dressed and start the day….


{April 26, 2007}   Nothing to report

Nothing to report today.  UC fine, feeling fine, just looking forward to weekend.

My shortest blog yet – it feels quite good to have nothing on my mind to write about 🙂

{April 25, 2007}   Remission at Last

Today has been a better day.  I have felt a little ‘lighter’ although still feeling quite flat.

I went to a Ceroc class last night which was good fun.  I really enjoy the class as a lot of people from my Sunday night venue go there and because it is a bit different it adds a different spin to it all, plus there are some really good dancers there too.  Ceroc is interesting as there is a lot more dance music played and hence the dancing is a lot faster and less smooth than I prefer but occasionally this can fun. I wouldn’t like to dance Ceroc all the time as I like the slower, bluesey stuff but once a week it is a good energy kick and mood booster.  I felt great after last night and that has definitely made a difference to my mood to day.

I went to the hospital today and how things change in just a matter of weeks. That is perhaps one of the most tedious things about this illness.  One minute I am due in hospital for an Infliximab infusion and being referred for surgery, the next minute, today, I am being signed off for a month as being in remission.  The hope now is that I stay in remission and shall be weaned off the cyclosporin in a months time.  I have now been on it since November so this prospect makes me slightly nervous because apart from the blip of a few weeks, recently I have been generally a whole lot better than in years and the cyclosporin must play a part in that.  Although my uncertainties are based on more positive prospects at the moment it still goes to show how this disease messes with a persons head as I never know from one week to the next what I am going to be faced with.  This makes planning the future and making decisions much more difficult than the average healthy person would find – but then we all have our issues, I guess this is just mine.

My consultant commented today that from day one I have always surprised him and I am still surprising him now (by going into spontaneous remission which was previously unheard of for me).  I told him that I have heard that a lot recently!  As he then said, I like to keep people on their toes 🙂 He asked me how I thought I had done it.  I replied that I didn’t know as I don’t really but having thought about it this afternoon it could be one of three things.

The things that have changed for me and thus might have had an effect on my  sudden remission are either a) eating at least a tonne of chocolate since Easter, I like to think that this has had definite therapeutic effects b) pretty much living on chocolate and not eating much else.  Although I am now eating a normal healthy diet and am fine, for about four weeks I ate the equivalent of a small meal a day.  I don’t necessarily recommend this as it is clearly not healthy but I actually think it gave my bowel a bit of a rest and the opportunity to recuperate and get better.  No medical evidence to prove this, it is just an anecdotal theory. C) Dancing.  It is well know that any form of exercise boosts general well being and health and therefore leaves the body better able to cope with illness.  The trouble with UC is that when you are in agony and feeling so ill it is incredibly difficult to motivate yourself to get moving.  Some exercises are also too painful to even contemplate, such as gym routines and certain stretches which involve the stomach muscles.  I have now learnt that it is imperative to find the exercise which requires no motivation and that just excites a person enough to do it regardless of how they feel.  For me it is dancing but it could be all sorts of things. Over the years I have tried numerous different exercises so I can only recommend to keep trying until you find something that works – but, I highly recommend dancing – in any form 🙂

In the meantime I have decided to not worry about what I might not be able to do and when things might go wrong, instead I have lots planned.  I am off on holiday in the next two weeks which I am really looking forward to.  I also have lots of dancing planned which is always a buzz.  Off out this Friday night to what should be a good freestyle, then have a dance workshop for four hours on Sunday afternoon and then dancing as usual on Sunday evening – should be a great weekend.  Amongst all that I shall also be spending the day at a local beauty spot (providing weather is good) celebrating my youngest nephews first birthday which will be a good family get together.

All in all a good weekend planned which always helps to keep me smiling.

Now off to spend the evening doing girly things – I am very girly and have to do nails, eyebrows, facials, the whole kit and caboodle regularly.  A friend recently commented that I am high maintenance – they ain’t wrong!

Night x

{April 24, 2007}   Learning to Surf

Still feeling down.  I can’t stand it when I feel like this.  It is like the whole world is moving in slow motion, which just annoys me more as I want to go faster but can’t bring myself to move.

I think part of the problem at the moment is that although I am extremely well, my colitis seems to really be in remission now, I have this axe hanging over me waiting to fall.  I never know when I am going to get so ill I can’t move again and as a  result it makes me impatient to experience everything I can when I can but at the same time worry about the ‘what ifs’.  Everyone uses the adage ‘life is too short’ but I think until you experience a chronic illness or come close to dieing you actually really ‘feel’ it.  The problem is that it is actually really hard to live by this.  Yes life is too short but it can also be incredibly long and thus you can be faced by some very difficult consequences if you literally live your life in the moment, thus making whatever life there is more difficult than it might have been if you slowed down a bit.

This is my dilemma.  I am not very patient at the best of times but when I am so well and raring to go I am even more impetuous than usual.  My way of dealing with this conflict and lack of control is to become very fatalistic – what will be will be and all that. However, I have also realised that what will be will only be if I make it be – another conflict! So then we come to the what is wrong and what is right, leading to another conflict on why do I think that is wrong or that is right – you see my problem? I have absolutely no idea to the answer to anything right now and feel entirely lost in the questions. My head and my heart are saying too many different things and I have no idea what to listen to – too many variables and uncertainties. Some things I know I want now but will I want them in the future or can I have them even if I want them?  Some things I know I don’t want now but if I change them and give them up will I regret it in the future? Some things are just too full of uncertainty to be an option but I can’t stop myself from thinking about them anyway.  Where is my Fairy Godmother when I need her?

In an effort to gee me up and out of this conscious coma my husband has booked us a holiday.  After MUCH discussion and rumination over this that and the other we have settled on something that not only surprises us but will no doubt surprise those that know us – surfing.  Yes, I really did say that – surfing. We are going to Newquay for a week of surf school.  My husband has always wanted to try it and I have always been resistant.  I am far from a water baby and although it has always appealed to me I have never had the confidence to just give it a go.  By the same token as much as my husband has wanted to try it he would never have the courage to do it of his own volition, he needs my enthusiasm to push him on.  So, now he has it.  I am up for it.  I have met a few people (dancers actually) who are really into their surfing and I have come to the conclusion that nobody is born with their feet on a surf board and therefore able to do it straight away.  In anything we have to start somewhere, so I am going to try.  Six days of two, 2.5 hour sessions of surfing should give me an idea as to whether I shall ever manage it or not.  At the end of that week if I don’t like it or just can’t do it then I guess I can always say I tried, which is an awful lot better than saying ‘I would have liked to try it but never did’.  So there, another new adventure.  So, in two weeks times I shall be spending an awful lot of time in the water hopefully on an incredible high – yes, I am fast becoming what I believe is termed ‘a thrill seeker’!

I am excited at this prospect but my enthusiasm is not at its normal levels.  Hopefully it will get there.  I do feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of being in the UK.  I love going abroad but right now leaving the kids for a week would do my head in more than it would help.  At least if I am in this country I know I can jump in the car at a moments notice and be home within hours.

On a different note I finally have a hospital appointment tomorrow.  It is my usual clinic appointment and no doubt my consultant will be gobsmacked to hear how well I have suddenly become.  It is a somewhat pointless appointment as I shall just tell him how well I am, he will then tell me how pleased he is and tell me to come back in six weeks.  Without meaning to sound too cynical this is always where things go wrong. There is yet to be an occasion when he signs me off for six weeks and I actually make it through those six weeks without going back into flare up.  With that in mind I want him to say come back in two! Psychological nonsense I am sure but I don’t want to tempt negative fate! Roll on the day when I don’t have to set foot in a hospital numerous times a month.

I am going to spend the rest of the day sorting out parts of my house.  I always go into clean/sort overdrive when depressed, it helps me feel in control.  So, off to find some control in my airing cupboard 🙂

{April 23, 2007}   The London Marathon

Yesterday was a busy day.  From the minute I woke up at 6am to the minute I went to bed at 11pm I didn’t stop.  My husband had left for London in order to be on time for the start of his debut London Marathon on Saturday afternoon which meant it was up to me to get the kids down to London to cheer their Daddy on.  Fortunately my Mum and brother volunteered to come with me and thank goodness they did as I would never have managed the train with both of them and the pushchair.

We also met my in-laws which as predicted was a bit of a palaver.  I am not sure if they are deaf or just have problems listening but trying to get any sense out of them is hell of a chore.  However, to be fair on them it did make life a lot easier to have them with us as just carrying the pushchair up and down various stairs and escalators needs more than two people.  I have a Phil and Teds double pushchair which is by far the best baby investment we have made as it is a double pushchair the size and weight (without kids in) of a single pushchair.  It was actually surprisingly maneuverable in London but it was just the tube/trains which were difficult.

Anyway, it was a flippin hard day and I was overjoyed to see my husband cross the finish line for more reasons than his amazing achievement 🙂 And it was an amazing achievement of which the  kids and I are really proud.  He managed the run in 4hrs55 mins which is 55 mins over what he wanted to do it in but in the extraordinary heat (the hottest London Marathon ever) he did really, really well. Amazingly he is  just mildly stiff today and has come through it with no injuries and little bother at all. I can hardly believe he has done it.

We managed to get back at a reasonable time so I headed out dancing for the last couple of hours of freestyle.  It was good to get away from the stress of the day and to stretch out and move after so much standing around.  It was a really quiet night, in fact the quietest I have known.  There was a dance weekender in Prestatyn and a local freestyle, and with the heat as well this is probably why.  It worked out in my favour though as it meant that there were only about eight of us on the dance floor, making it far less hot and stuffy when there are the normal 30-50 of us.  The men that were left were all the best dancers too so I got to hog them for an abnormal length of time which was fun!

My husband is currently sat next to me looking to book a holiday.  It looks like Egypt is on the list, which would be exciting.  A place I have always wanted to visit.  We are heading out somewhere for a week without the kids for the first time.  I am certain I shall spend the first few days very anxious abou the kids but I am hoping I shall soon get over it.  They will be fine with my in-laws (I hope!).

To be honest I am feeling really flat today.  I suspect that I am going into a depression.  Not a pleasant prospect as I have suffered from clinical depression many times in the past but after much therapy and support I felt that I had moved on from this and had not had a depressive episode for five years.  Fortunately I know the signs and have already took steps to halt it in its tracks and dancing is definitely helping to keep my spirits elevated but everything is a bit of a struggle at the moment, I am finding it hard to be motivated by anything – even a holiday.

Anyway, best get on………

{April 21, 2007}   My Grandmother and Me

Things have been a bit hectic here the last few days as my husband prepares to run the London Marathon tomorrow.  I spent Friday putting together a load of stuff to surprise him.  I had T-Shirts printed for the kids saying “My Daddy is running the London Marathon” and “Run Daddy Run!”.  I also had my husbands name put on his charity shirt as people will then shout for him on his way round.  My eldest son and I then spent the rest of the time colouring in some banners to wave around.  My husband was very chuffed when he got home to find them all displayed waiting for his approval – I am in the good books now 🙂

Had a nice day today.  The kids and I went up to my Mums as my husband headed down to London this afternoon in order to get a good nights sleep in a hotel before his early start tomorrow. It was a bit knackering being at my Mums as my sister and her brood were there too but it was fun and the kids enjoyed it.  When it is me, my Mum and just one other of my sisters we do nothing but giggle, it is very funny.  Add a second sister to the equation and the dynamic changes but fortunately it was just the three of us today.

I asked my Mum if there were any jobs going at her place. She works in a therapeutic school and I fancy being a teaching assistant there.  It is a great place and everyone she works with is lovely.  Whenever I speak to her at work or about work she is smiling and laughing so I also know it is a fantastic environment to work in.  It is not exactly the career move I was ever intending on making and it means taking a cut in my normal earning capacity by about 50%, but it is part-time, school hours and no heavy responsibility so it would suit me just fine right now.  She is not sure what is available (particularly as my brother has just got a job there and they don’t really like two family members working together with children) but she will ask and get me an application form.  I shall see how I get on.  I desperately need to work again.  I am not sure I shall make much money from it after childcare and traveling expenses but right now I just need to get out there again, I am not satisfied enough staying at home with the kids.  I wish I was one of those people who could do it but after four years of it I have had enough and need to rejoin the ranks of working mothers.

As I mentioned we always giggle and gossip at my Mums and today was no different.  I have a fascinating family, mainly because we are so large and the mix of personalities lends itself to much drama, chaos and fun.  Today my interest has been in my Grandma who is an amazing women who always offers great bait for stories. Two have recently emerged as interesting. Firstly, I have become interested in the world of Burlesque (yep, I know I am just sooo weird but I like to spread my net of interests wide!).  I hasten to add that I am not one for stripping, I just like the more coy, teasing aspects of it and the drama and costumes.  Anyway, it turns out that when my Gromma was my age (30) she had her own Burlesque act.  Not a naked act, just a fun, comedic, teasing one.  I can’t repeat her stage name on here in-case it is known but it is great and she is great.  She was one great looking women at 30 that is for sure.  Anyway to cut another conversation about her short I have often thought that my Gromma is  a dead ringer for Dame Judy Dench. I mentioned this to my Mum last week and she mentioned it to my Gromma.  My Gromma’s response was “yeah, we have always thought so to”. Mum was like “we?” and it turns out that Dame Judy spent a long period of time at a theatre in my Grommas home city and had her hair done every Friday morning.  It so happened that so did my Gromma and they used to sit drinking tea under the dryers and having a chat.  They used to joke that they didn’t need to look in a mirror as they were so alike – how weird is that?! I tell you what, it is a crazy small world.

I actually had this conversation clarified by Gromma tonight as I decided it was time to call her.  I have fascinating conversations with her.  The other day I had a conversation with a friend about Douglas Adams.  It was recommended that I read his stuff as somehow despite my pretty extensive reading I have neglected to try his work, including Hitchhikers Guide. As a kid I never read it as everyone else was (I like to go against the grain!). I have now started reading it and love the irony, it is well up my street, particularly given my life at the moment which is full of irony and chaos!

Anyway, they are reading ‘Salmon of Doubt’ which is a collection of his writings and in it he comments that his favourite piece of music is Bachs 5th Brandenburg Concerto.  My mate said that he would like to listen to it but didn’t know which recording he should buy.  Well, although I have a vague knowledge of classical music through having been brought up with it I do not know enough to comment on this sort of thing however my Gromma and Grompa are professional musicians and know more than most, so I asked them.  It is great knowing people who know sometimes! I am sure you are not interested but for anyone that might be, now that I have gone to the effort of finding out, the answer is Bach – Brandenburg Concertos, English Chamber Orchestra/Benjamin Britten. Of course, I shall have to pass it on to my mate who I am sure has now completely forgotten that he ever requested this piece of knowledge.  Let it be known that I always deliver my promises, no matter how obscure 🙂

So, there is just a glimpse of the fascinating life  and interests of my grandmother – believe me, it gives me great insight into the eccentricities of my own personality.  I definitely mirror her in many ways but seeing her at age 73 I can only say thank goodness as she is an amazing women full of life and vitality with great style and grace.  She was a dancer all her life too and we now have great chats about my newfound interest.  In addition she is still incredibly beautiful for her age and has always looked like a movie star and clearly still does.  Unfortunately this is not one of her attributes I have inherited 😦

By the way I am now certain my UC has gone into remission.  It is completely bizarre and very surreal but I have never had such a good time with it.  I have no idea why or what has caused it, I just hope it stays that way for some time to come.

Off to prepare for our busy day in London now……it’s going to be a hot one so I hope my husband makes it round in good time.

{April 19, 2007}   Difficult times

I have not been blogging for a few days as there has been too much going on.

I went to the dance class on Tuesday night and wasn’t overly impressed.  It has been interesting as it would seem that by sheer chance the first class I walked into back in January was by far the best class in the area. I have now tried four and haven’t found a single one which comes close to my Sunday night class.  I think it is because the teachers of my Sunday class can actually dance to a very high standard, they have a professional and very safe approach to dancing and also place great emphasis on musicality and attitude which makes such a huge difference to dance.  All in all I lucked out and now know that.  That is not to say there are not advantages to attending other classes and I shall continue to attend them but just not place as much faith in them.

I danced on Tuesday night but I don’t intend to dance again this week, probably not even on Sunday.  This Sunday is the London Marathon and me and my boys shall be heading down to the city to watch my husband complete his first marathon.  We are looking forward to it and shall be joined by his parents, my Mum and my youngest brother – a true family day out! I think I shall be too tired to dance afterwards and this week has been an emotional roller-coaster so I am feeling a bit shattered.

This will be short tonight as I have to go to my first counselling session in a minute.  I am not going to go into detail on this blog about them as it is far too personal but I am hoping that they help as I have been feeling more than a little bit lost and confused in the last few weeks.  My husband and I are going through a difficult patch and we are trying to fight our way through it but at the moment it is hard.

However, despite lots going on my Ulcerative Colitis has settled down loads. It has settled down so much that I agreed with my gastro nurse today to delay the infliximab treatment and the progression to surgery.  I really feel this has come about through a new positive and determined attitude and because of my dancing.  I am fit, healthy and am benefiting from increased energy levels and endorphin high!

All in all there is a lot going on.  We are hoping to go away for a week in the next week or two for a last minute holiday somewhere nice without the children.  This will be the first time I have been away for so long without them but we really need it and I can’t wait.

It’s been a sad week but hopefully things will start to get better.

{April 17, 2007}   Phobias and Routines

Good morning, the sun is shining still so I am in a buoyant mood again and busy making plans for the first time in a long time – it feels good.

My colitis is still really good.  I have stomach ache and can feel it but so far my symptoms are otherwise limited.  I am still hesitant to say it is on its way out but I am really hoping it is.

Yesterday was a brilliant day.  The kids and I spent the day with my best mate and her two.  They are quite a lot older than mine at 9 & 10 and therefore fully amuse my two and give me the time to chat to K.  K has one of those massive trampolines in her garden and until yesterday my oldest had never been on it.  He loved it and they all spent the afternoon bouncing around like loonies.  I tried to go on it but only confirmed my self diagnosis of vertigo.  It made me feel thoroughly wobbly and sick to even stand on the netting let alone bounce.  I really couldn’t do it. I am sure if I had got my brave hat on I could have overcome this pathetic fear but I didn’t so I gave in to it.  It really is ridiculous as at most I was two foot off the ground so it would hardly have killed me if the million to one odds of the trampoline breaking did happen.  Phobias are so weird.

At the end of the day my oldest was so exhausted he fell straight to sleep on the way home and transferred immediately to bed (the youngest did as well but he always does).  Later on he woke up crying and kept doing so for about an hour.  I am sure his legs were aching as he half heartedly complained about them – perhaps less trampoline next time.

My oldest went back to preschool today which is a bit of a relief as he was definitely getting bored of being at home and being less stimulated than when he is at school. As much as I hate the routine of school in some ways it is kind of comforting to get back into it.

Got to now chase up my Infliximab appointment.  Given that I am not very ill at the moment this seems a bit pointless but I figure I might as well have a go at it in the hope that it completely knocks the damn illness into remission for a significant amount of time.

Shall hopefully try a new dance class tonight, not sure I am really in the mood for dancing tonight but I am sure come 8pm I shall be up for it.

Best go fetch my little man from preschool……………….

{April 16, 2007}   An Education

My three year old is forever highlighting how bright three year olds can be and how technology is such an ordinary part of their lives.  At this minute he is sat next to me colouring a picture of Bob the Builder and just asked if “after you have finished your emails and finished speaking to Oncle G (MSN) will you be blogging?” 🙂 Great suggestion so here I am.

Yesterday was a good day.  I felt loads better after starting off the weekend feeling shattered.  I think last week was just completely draining and it hit me hard on Friday night and throughout Saturday.  To take advantage of the amazing weather, which always makes me feel 100 % better, we took a picnic and football to the park near our house and spent the afternoon there.  It was lovely.  Now that our youngest is walking going to the park is a whole new experience.  We kicked the ball, I am not adverse to a bit of football and ate lots – yeah, I ate lots too and it felt good, very good!

In fact I have spent the whole weekend eating properly and I feel absolutely fine.  I have no idea what has happened but my colitis seems to have all but disappeared.  I am not getting too hopeful about this as on occasion my colitis appears to dissipate and then hits like a tonne of bricks a few days later. Yet, everything seems to be functioning normally and I feel great – I am very, very hopeful that I have just got through what in retrospect might be a minor flare and things are on the up.  God knows it is about time I was given a break from it.

I am trying not to get excited about it but me, being me, I am already thinking ahead and thoughts in my head right now are ‘cancel the infliximab’ ‘go on SOS’ (a dream situation that I have waited for for an eternity, it is when the Doc gives you a yellow piece of paper saying SOS which means you are discharged but should you suffer a flare you can come straight back without going via your GP), and ‘find a job’.  I have been thinking loads about getting a job recently.  I need to start using my brain in an intelligent way and get away from my house more.  I would only work part-time because the children are my priority and full-time would be too hard at the moment but I could really do with it.

My dilemma will be where to work.  I could get back to my usual line of work but it requires too much time in London and the commute just isn’t feasible with the children being so young, plus the cost would make it less worthwhile.  I think I might take a complete career change (again!), I have a few ideas.

Went dancing last night.  It was great I found that last night, for probably the first time, I just let go and danced and didn’t worry about technique, moves, posture etc etc.  I think this is because I have got to a place where I pretty much know what I am doing it is just a case of further learning now and development but I can relax a bit in the knowledge that I have the basics covered.  It was good fun. I am planning on trying a new class on Tuesday which should be interesting.  I can’t afford the time to travel to my usual class for the next couple of weeks so am going to try one more local which is meant to be very good, I am looking forward to it.

My eldest is back to school tomorrow so back to the horrible term time routine.  I hate the pressure of having to be out of the house at a certain time, particularly when I HATE being late for anything so really do have to get everything done on time. Today is our last chilled day so we are off to my best mates where I shall indulge in some serious girly chat whilst her children who are 9 & 10 shall do a fantastic job of amusing my two – bliss.

Better start loading the car……

PS – I mentioned before that the book I have now finished ‘Wicked’ had some great vocab.  This is so sad but in a moment of boredom I actually looked these words up and they are great:

Etiolated – pale and sickly (shall definitely be using that one!)

Seditious – Rebellious (oh yes, I am definitely seditious)

Somnolent – Drowsy, sleepy (yep, could be using this one a lot too)

amenuensis – someone who takes dictation/notes; a secretary (not sure secretaries would find this title very attractive!)

There you go – my blog is even educational now 🙂

{April 14, 2007}  

Last night I went to a local freestyle and had a really good time.  There were a couple of superb dancers who definitely put me through my paces, one guy was over for a holiday from New Zealand and was just incredible, definitely a treat to have had him there to dance with.  Other than that it was the usual crowd who are all lovely and great fun. Unfortunately for the first time I completely hit a wall at 11pm and just couldn’t dance anymore.  Everything hurt and my legs just didn’t want to carry it on.  I had until that point only sat out of two dances which may explain it but I am usually constantly on my feet at these things so I don’t know why last night was so different. This week has been physically and emotionally draining and I am guessing that it all caught up with me in a big way.

Today has been nice but infortunately I am still completely exhausted and haven’t managed to achieve quite as much as I had hoped today.  We have done some of the garden as plannned but nothing to write about. I was hoping to get a nap now as my husband and eldest have gone out for an hour or so and my youngest is meant to be having a nap, however he has decided that he doesn’t want to sleep therefore meaning I can’t either – kids!

Being so tired and emotionally fraught is leading to me being very grumpy, especially with the children with whom I have zero patience right now.  Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out last night.

My UC was not good this morning but otherwise has been quite tolerable.  I am eating better today so we shall see how I am tomorrow.  I have got in the habit of ensuring I don’t eat after 12o’clock if I want to go out dancing.  I know I have to stop it as it is not healthy and also badly effects my dancing as I just can’t keep going. The trouble is it gives me some control over it and I hate the thought of having to leave a dance because of my UC, I would much rather have to go out of tiredness.  Something I need to think about changing though.

Feel very fed up today but am sure it is just tiredness.

et cetera