Jiving on Regardless

{March 13, 2008}   Happy Little Dancing Bunny

So far so good.  My colitis is not perfect but it is manageable and as long as it stays this way I am happy.

I have started keeping a food and symptoms diary for the twentieth time in the last few years.  Not really because I think there is any association between what I eat and my symptoms, more so that I just know what I am eating and can have a record of my symptoms which is true rather than an over exaggerated or under exaggerated version I tell myself depending on my mood.

So far it hasn’t revealed anything particularly interesting other than the fact that I really do eat quite healthily although I could do with eating more fruit.  I have started to eat a little bit more too as I realised I wasn’t eating enough and that was why I was starving hungry every night.  I think sometimes I eat too little to keep my symptoms at bay but that is not a good Way to be. I am quite enjoying stuffing my face and not feel guilty about it.

My colitis had better stay good for the next month or so as I have a mad dancing time coming up.  It is the UK WCS Championships in April and we are going to be madly brave and enter the novice Jack and Jill and Strictly. Well, I say this, we haven’t actually booked to enter the comps yet as we don’t have to until the Saturday of the weekend.  we won’t book until the last minute as I think psychologically it will make me sick if I make a definite commitment to it now.  We won’t place as there are too many other very good dancers in our category but I think we will do a reasonable job and more importantly learn from the experience so that we can aim to achieve more next year.  We have been practising, although no where near enough as we just don’t have the energy. If it goes okay and we don’t make complete idiots of ourselves or end up hating it then we will put some serious effort in for next year.

I can’t wait for this next month though.  In an effort to look reasonable at Weston we are booked on various workshops and are attending various events and classes to get us to a point we feel more confident.  It is a real luxury as we have babysitters for three weekends running in order to do all of this.  It means we shall have to have a quiet couple of months afterwards but I think it will be worth it. All in all, it is very exciting and keeping me going.

I have also started to help my dance teachers out a bit with a little admin which is so great and really making my brain buzz again – I have no idea what I would do without my dancing and the fantastic friends I have made through it.  It really gives me something positive and full-filling to focus on and I love sharing it all with my husband now.

Anyway, enough of my waffle, I ought to do something productive…….


{March 5, 2008}   Wierd Searches

And another thing – my blog stats frequently reveal a person doing a searh for ‘f*ck Mummy Pictures’ – how grim is that?  Today, this person has obviously progressed his interest to ‘f*ck Old Mummy Pictures’ – what?! I don’t consider myself to be judgemental per se but my God there are some sick people out there – it’s a huge worry! It’s more worrying that my blog comes up as an answer to that search query 🙂 I must be more careful about what I am writing – and no I wasn’t writing anything vaguely relating to that search query!

Just thought I would share this as after a year of noting this search I feel the need to comment 🙂

{March 5, 2008}   Pissedoffitis

I was talking to a friend this morning about the probability of me having ‘the op’ this year.  God, it is such a bloody chore, that is what pisses me off most about it.  Somehow I have got to decide to have the operation, go through all of the inevitable angst that surrounds that and then arrange childcare for a weeks afterwards.  Fortunately I can have ‘the op’ done privately which gives me more flexibility as to when I have it but still, do I have it during term time when my oldest is at school? Advantages being that anyone helping me out with the kids gets a break from him (he is a typically demanding four year old who gets ‘bored’ easily) or do I do it the holidays when everyone has more flexibility, especially my Mum who works in a school and is free all holidays to help.

How much help will I need? How long will I really take to recover?  If the decision is to have it term time do I have it before the summer holidays in which time hopefully the pain and symptoms will still be manageable or do I wait until the beginning of the Autumn term  in which time I may well be forced to go in early as it gets too much by then?

Is it going to flare up badly?  That is the big question right now.  It is flaring up again.  I am up to six times a day with mildly increasing pain and lots of bleeding, but I know that this will just get slowly worse, it is a question of how long until it is unmanageable.  I am already getting to that point where I am starting to question if I can make it somewhere without stopping for the loo – not a good sign.

The worst thing about all of this is that even when you have your bowel removed, from what I have read so far on the net, there are still lots and lots of annoying issues i.e you have to change the bag every few hours, they leak, the stoma gets infected, you suffer blockages which are painful.  To be honest post op complications sound just as bad as having colitis and I can’t bear the thought of going through this and then being potentially just as badly off, well, worse off as I shall have a bloody plastic bag for a bowel – God life is shit sometimes.

I want someone to say to me “we’ll take the bowel away, it will hurt, it will take time to recover but ultimately your colitis will go away and you will live a full life with no pain” but they can’t, so frankly it is all bollocks.  However, I know that if I leave this to the point where I am in serious agony again I shall be begging them to take my bowel away and will get over the fact that it will not be plain sailing afterwards.

Wow, I am really waffling at all different tangents today huh?  I guess it’s a good indication of where my head is at.  Don’t get me wrong, I am fine, pretty happy right now to be honest and not at all down about it, just suffering from mild pissedoffitis.

Lets face it, it’s a hassle, a huge hassle and one I could really do without. I am sick of my life revolving around poo too. It’s a such an unpleasant subject and what with my bowels and my little boys dodgy bowels and the general bowel situations you find yourself in with kids and nappies, ‘poo’ features far too largely in my life and it really isn’t funny – well, saying that, it is mildly funny but only because if I don’t laugh about it I shall spend far too much time crying.

If someone tells me ‘it could be worse’ I shall hit them, it couldn’t be.  It could be better that is for sure.  When faced with this sick inducing adage I always agree  but inside I think – name it! Inevitably people would come up with various scenarios which ‘could be worse’ but actually, living your life in agony, frequently sat on the toilet, often debilitated from doing anything then faced with having a major organ removed in major surgery and a life shitting in a bag – tell me something that is worse? (other than death of course, but that’s inevitable and we shall all get to that so it isn’t that bad a thing really).  It goes on and bloody on and it couldn’t be worse, it could just be better. I now dare some smart arsed reader to send me a comment on what could be worse – do so at your peril 🙂

Would you believe that right now I am not even feeling sorry for myself?  I know, imagine what this blog will sound like when I do! ha, ha!

Anyway, I am now off to have a parent consultation at my sons school and learn that he is a genius, that will definitely make me smile and a walk in the glorious sunshine we have today will make everything right – for now.

{March 3, 2008}   Brain Ache

Recently I have been incredibly bored nearly all of the time.  It wasn’t until Friday that it dawned on me exactly why this is…

A year ago it would take me all week to clean my house doing a little bit at a time, each day I needed to sleep for two hours mid day and everything took twice as long as it does now. Since being so much healthier and having recovered from my prolonged bout of illness a couple of years ago I now no longer need two hours sleep a day and I get my cleaning done in one afternoon!  In addition I don’t spend three hours plus a day on the toilet so I have A LOT more time on my hands and man am I feeling it.

I love my kids and I love the fact I am privileged enough to have a husband who earns a whacking great income in comparison to most and I am therefore able to be at home, living a comfortable life caring for my family.  However it is DULL AS DISHWATER.  It is not at all taxing to ‘brum’ cars around a road mat or make up stories with Little People farms and airports.  As much as it is relaxing and really quite therapeutic, coloring pictures of Lazy Town and other Cbeebies characters is not exactly taxing and watching Jungle Book’s one and Two for the hundredth time this month is doing nothing for my brain!

I love all of these things in moderation but I really do need to do more with my brain.  I actually received a form from a mate today to complete for their business and being bored and incredibly anal I turned what was a hatchet job on Word to a beautiful template, protected with drop down menu options and various clever things like that (!!). It reminded me that I really need something like a job in my life – this is not a new realisation but one I am yet again dwelling on.

I long ago accepted that I can’t work my ‘career’ until the youngest goes to school as it requires me to be in London, too many hours away from home and will sap me of my new found energy.  I need something that is for only two/three hours a day, pays a reasonable rate that is worth giving up time for, can be done at home with the kids about,  can be picked up and put down when needed and can be stopped altogether should I get ill – you see my dilemma?!

It is so frustrating, I have a brain, a fairly good one I think and yet it is not being used. I know that my kids are worth it and that I only have two more years until my youngest is at school and I can return to work properly but TWO YEARS! I’ll have lost the plot by then.

And then I have this bloody great axe hanging over me as to when and if my UC will flare up.  So far so good but it is merely a week since my disastrous infusion and thus who knows.

In the meantime I have agreed with my entrepreneurial bother that he will throw his admin my way (for no pay – how generous am I?!) and I shall have to make do with that.

Apart from my vegetating brain I am pretty damn good today. The sun is shining which always improves my mood, I have got lots of house work done, my little man is snooozing happily and I am off out dancing tonight – it’s a good life really 🙂 I need to stop whinging!

Right, off to find something to do that makes me feel I have achieved something…till next time.

et cetera