Jiving on Regardless











{May 20, 2008}   Nonsense Mainly

Today my UC has been bothering me a bit. I have been to the loo a few times more than usual and there’s a lot of blood and mucus.  It’s weird as in some ways this is reassuring. There I am doing stuff which is taking me in the direction of an imminent operation and yet it doesn’t feel real.  I feel like this can’t possibly be right, it is far too dramatic a thing to be happening to me (this is an ironic thought in itself as life’s dramas have a habit of finding me).  When I am reminded that ‘yep, it’s still there’ it makes me feel better about it all, like, of course this is what I have to do.  Am I making any sense I wonder?

Anyway, today it has been playing up a bit more.  A few people at school have asked me questions as they are concerned I am looking very ill at the moment (there I was with contact lenses in and make up, I had actually made an effort this morning lol!).  I do feel amazingly tired and constantly ravenous.  It’s so odd, I am not on steroids or anything and yet I feel starving all of the time.  I wonder if it is because my body is busy fighting this illness and sapping my energy?  I am not putting on weight but I flippin ought to be the amount of rubbish I find myself gorging on.  Yesterday I ate an entire box of chocolates!

I have slept for two hours this afternoon.  I have felt so tired, particularly after a busy dance weekend, and the kids are out this afternoon so I had the time and space to sleep.  The need for sleep is the one thing that bugs me about this illness.  I feel like I lose too much time to sleep and am far less productive than most as a result. It also has a slightly counter productive effect as it means I then spend my waking hours doing far too much to catch up.

I saw my sons headteacher today and he was very supportive and said that as long as we keep them informed anything goes, which is a relief.  I have also emailed the lady my stoma nurse recommended I speak to.  I realised that I actually had her mobile number and so texted to ask for her email address.  I know it is a bit of a cop out but I think it will be much easier to speak to her if we strike up some conversation on email first.  Plus, I find it a lot easier to write it down.

I put the bag against my skin today.  I didn’t attach it as I can’t face testing it that far at the moment.  It made me feel a bit flat.  It’s not that big a deal.  It’s not as intrusive as one might imagine and I can tell that it would be easy enough to find clothes which conceal it – bang goes anything figure hugging though.  I am also a little, vainly, concerned that the stoma will be right where my tattoo is.  I wish I could have the damned thing lasered.  It is okay but I had it done as a dare when I was 21, at a time when my stomach didn’t feature heavily in my life (that was to be six months later).  Pregnancy has already done it some damage.  The bag will definitely cover it, even if the stoma isn’t protruding from it so that will be a hidden part of my body for a long time!

I know these concerns are trivial but it is amazing what you think about at times like this.

My husband is off in Portugal for a few days now so I have time and space to dwell on my own thoughts.  Not sure if this is a good thing or not.  In reality I shall probably just end up going to bed ridiculously early every night.  The good news is that he has Friday and Monday off work so we are in for a lovely long weekend – I can’t wait!

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