Jiving on Regardless











{May 28, 2008}   Telling People

They’ve changed the way everything is set up on this blog and it is really doing my head in.  The other day I published a page rather than a post and have no idea how to change it back – sometimes I hate change!

I guess I better get used to it though as there is to be a lot of change in my life soon.  Yesterday I made an appointment for me and my husband to meet with the Stoma Nurse next Wednesday.  I am waiting to hear back from my Gastro Nurse as I am hoping I will also get an appointment with my Consultant that day too.  My answering machine is broken and my mobile phone is broken so no-one can get back to me when I leave messages – it’s a nightmare.  I am hoping my Gastro Nurse catches me today as she is equally impossible to get hold of, although I can leave a message her end.

All of my dance friends are heading to a weekender in Southport this weekend.  This will be the first one I have missed since I started dancing.  It is an awesome weekend of dancing but lots of reasons made us decide not to go this year.  I should be really gutted I am missing it and I feel a little bit miffed that I am missing out but actually I couldn’t face it.  The weird thing is I have definitely attended Southport feeling more ill than I am at present but I think I have just had enough of it now.  Maybe because an end is in sight I am starting to feel really fed up with my UC.  I am now completely ready to put my life on hold for a while to have this done, I wish I had had it done years ago.

I have started to tell a few people that it will be happening.  It is an odd one, telling people. Part of me really wants to talk to people about it, probably, partly, because talking about it affirms it as a reality in my head, partly because telling people makes it feel real, like it really will happen and is not some bad dream.  The difficulty comes with peoples reactions.  I can’t stand sympathy, I like people to be understanding but not gushingly sympathetic.  I also hate the fact that people might assume I am telling them for their attention, I don’t need attention.  It is also surprising how badly some people react.  I told someone, whom I thought I could trust with the information and her reaction was “urgh, those bags stink” – yes, thanks for that! Unbelievably this women was an ex nurse!  As it happens, from what I gather they do not stink.  They smell when you open them but whose bowels don’t?  shit stinks – simple.  The bags do not smell whilst on you and closed.  Besides, the bag is a temporary thing – I hope.

Still, peoples reactions are fascinating.  Some people look at me like I should be telling them whilst breaking down into uncontrollable sobbing.  Some people react like I might die, some people react with no reaction at all. Baring in mind that I have only told a handful of people I am generally close to, it is surprising.  I know I will get a mixed bag of reactions so I guess I ought to just be ready to deal.  The lady I met with who has been through this told me she has found it best to just be incredibly open about it, you soon find out who is a friend or not.  It suits me, it not like I can hide it anyway, when I disappear from sight for months on end – I want some friends when I come back to my normal life.

This week is madly busy visiting friends and family as it is half term. This is a good thing as it means I don’t have time to dwell and feel sorry for myself.  Generally I don’t feel sorry for myself, what is the point? But very occasionally it grabs me and makes me feel very useless.

Time to go visiting.

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